Choco_Green

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Harus Apa?

Ketika cinta datang mengetuk

Pelan

Agak terlambat

Tergesa aku membuka pintu untuknya

Bahkan nyaris tanpa mengintip siapa itu

Terlalu tergesa kah?

Terburu-buru kah?

Takutkah aku dia kan pergi lagi?

Excitedly I embrace its arrival

Too happily

Too optimistically?

Bahwa kan bahagia ku bersamanya

Bahwa kan terjawab semua mimpi-mimpi dan doa-doa

Bahwa akhirnya kan berakhir sendiriku

Selamanya?

‘Badai-badai’ kecil pun datang

Bahkan di tengah bulan-bulan yang seharusnya penuh madu

Tapi tak kuacuhkan

Tak kuanggap berarti

Karena takutkah ku dia akan pergi?

Berlalu dari genggaman terlalu cepat?

Dan tak akan datang lagi?

Setahun terlalu cepat datang dan pergi

Bahagia? Ya

Cinta? Mungkin

Takut kehilangan? Sangat

Aku tahu konsekuensi dari komitmen

Stick with it in good and bad

Happy or sad

Easier said than done!

Kadang ku ingin berlalu saja

Tak ingin lagi berada dalam hubungan ini

Kadang ku ingin meneriakkan

‘Aku juga lemah!’

‘Aku juga butuh dukungan!’

Am I selfish?

Maybe

Most probably

For being the weak one?

For not being able to provide the support he wanted?

For being the crying one?

For being too idealistic?

That relationship means spending time together

Most of the time

Especially after a hard day’s work

And a tired week’s busy times?

Kapan waktu untuk bertahan

Kapan waktu untuk berlalu

Kapan waktu untuk berjuang

Kapan waktu untuk melepaskan

Kapan?

I know I will break if this ends

Maybe my heart will never recover

But is it not better

Than to drag another heart to its doom?

Belum pernah kuhadapi dilema seperti ini

Berat

Sedih

Perih

Bingung

Takut

Cemas

Tak tahu harus bagaimana

Harus apa?

Posted at 11:49 pm by choco_green
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Friday, May 20, 2005

Trying too hard?

Three months to a relationship
That started in a 'rush'

Is it we never get to know each other better
Before plunging ourselves into romance?
Is it we never been friends
That now we are too nice to each other?

Fighting, we never been
But why do little things

Keep on adding up to miscommunication?

Are we trying too hard, dear?

Quitting, it never crossed my mind
Never giving it serious thought
But is it better to quit
Rather than hanging on to empty shell?

When do we decide to call it quits
When do we decide to give it more time to try
When do we decide it's something for life
When do we decide it's not worth fighting for

His frustration and desperation
All I know too well
Because I share them
Because I feel them in myself
Because it frustrates me too,
Because it desperates me too
Because it reflects me too...

I feel so helpless
Not being able to provide a way out
Not being able to become his pillar of strength
I hate being helpless!!

Maybe I'm not the one for him?
Maybe I should solve my own complexities
Before being able to be somebody's somebody?

At the moment
I'm living one day at a time
Not knowing where life takes me
Or where this relationship leading to...

Posted at 03:47 pm by choco_green
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Thank God

Thank God...
That I am not five cm taller like I've always wanted
That I am 'blessed' with this gigantic thick nose
That I have rabbit teeth, and that I nor my parents was keen to make them straight
That I am Indonesian
That I speak with an 'strange' accent in a country where most people speak also with a strange accent
That I am brought up conservatively and thus dress conservatively

Thank God I'm ever born!!

Posted at 10:09 pm by choco_green
Comment (1) Permalink

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Cost of a Relationship

I used to laugh at people
Who said 'The last thing on my mind right now is to be in a relationship'

I used to scrutinize people

Who do not embrace love, as and when it comes to approach them

I used to think people are fools
Because they claimed that they do not have time for romance

I used to think such people must be crazy
Not to welcome willingly and gratefully
Of the great thing called 'love' to come in their lives

Because I always waiting eagerly
Sometimes impatiently
For someone to offer me love

Because I always got excited
When I find myself
"Fall in love" with a man

Because I always believed
That my life would only be complete
And I would only die happily
If ever I experience such a joyful feeling

And such a valuable relation

With another person

Now I understand
Why people can be so avoidance of romance
Because now I know that in a relationship
There is so much more than just :

Holding Hands
Sharing Thoughts
Having Romantic Dates
Beaming Happily at Your Other Half Approaching
Telling Him How You Love Him
Getting Lost in Lust
Having the Feeling that No Matter What Happened, He Will be There

It also involves...

Accommodating Values and Beliefs
Compromising Your Needs and Wants
Be a Listening Ear Although You are Not Quite Interested and Tired
Supportive towards a Broken Spirit
Convincing Him that No Matter What You'll Still Love Him

Losing Your Privacy for Being Either On the Phone, SMS-ing, or Having a Prolonged Meeting All The Time
Constantly Wanting to be With Him and Just Can't Do Anything Else, Making You Lose Time and Fail to Do Your Stuff

Now I know that relationship means

Having half your time because now you're sharing it with your other half

Having half your money because now you're spending for two
Having half your life because now you need to accommodate his dreams, his values, his beliefs, his needs
Having half yourself, because now you're simply two mingles into one

And still I choose this
Because sharing is better than keeping
Because I'd rather be losing time, losing money, living a less 'full' life
Sacrificing, compromising, accommodating
For the sake of the person I love
Because I want to be a better person because of him,
Because I want him to be a better person because of me.

45th Day Into a Relationship,
After reading my best pal's blog on relationship.

Posted at 06:13 pm by choco_green
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Thursday, March 31, 2005

Regrets

31 March 2005
Happy birthday - supposed to be the 25th - to an old friend who has passed away, yet not forgotten

30 March 2005
4th year anniversary of the end of his life, tragically ended one day before his 21st birthday

Regrets inflicted me for months afterwards

For not being a good enough friend
For not being there during his last moments on earth
For not even knowing his misfortune which started months earlier
For ignoring my gut feeling to reach out to him
For procastinating time to even call him
For not ever telling him how he meant to me
For continuing to live when he no longer live

Yet his presence added colour in my teenage life
And his absence taught me to value those you care about

He was my 'if tomorrow never comes' song
His premature death and too short life led me to my 'tell him' song
Which eventually now bring me to 'for once in my life' and 'when you say you loved me' song...

One regret lead to another brave decision in my life
Not exactly a successful or correct one
But at least it helped me become a person who value life and all its beauty, it forced me to learn that opportunity is there for you to grab, and that taking chances is the essence of life itself...

Here's to celebrate life, because life, with all its happpiness and sadness, is beautiful!!
La vita bella...

Posted at 05:12 pm by choco_green
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Why am I here for?

The question that has been haunting me since teenagehood.

I thought I found it being an academic achiever.
Made my mom happy, but not me...

I thought it was in understanding human being.
I took up Psychology, still it did not provide a holistic answer.

I thought it was in fulfilling my lifelong dream.
Came to work to Singapore, still it left me with a big hole in my heart.

I thought it was in a relationship, met this nice man, got into relationship with him, love each other.
Still I am dissatisfied and looking for something more, something bigger, something else.

Should we only be able to answer all the questions that we've been asking for in our entire life,
Only at the end of our life?

Can't we meet the five people who could give you the answers of your lifelong quest sooner before you're faced with death?

Is the meaning of your life actually lies between the daily routine;
Waking up,
Working out,
Enjoying nature,

Sitting and holding hands with your other half,
Daydreaming,

Feel emotions...

Do we really need to change the world,
Be successful in career,
Chase our every dream,

Become the perfect parent,
Have big house big cars expensive holidays secure retirement?

Or is it sufficient to grow old with the person you love,
Enjoy sunset,

Grateful for the privilege to breath,

Simply waking up every morning?

Posted at 03:05 pm by choco_green
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Friday, March 11, 2005

Starting Point

"I guess good things happen in February"
~ Said by my best friend Fen in 2004, after she was proposed by her then-boyfriend-now-husband ~

I find a truth in the above statement.
First and foremost, February was the starting point of my entire life.
Since then, February has become smaller scale of starting points in my life...

First job (2000)

First big break to fulfill lifetime dream (2004)

First romance (2005)

What is it about February and me?

I am 'named' after it, and somehow I feel it brings me good luck..

I hope it will continue to become the landmark in each year of my life, as I will always look forward for February to come every year, and await excitedly for the surprises it's going to bring me...

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the moments that take our breath away..."
~ Will Smith in Hitch, as said again by my luvely bf 'Yo Wen' ~

Posted at 11:53 am by choco_green
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